A Wal-Mart Black Friday Sale Cattle Gatherin’

by Kevin on December 8, 2011

All the cows were gathered at the windmill. I was thankful for this because I had not seen a single one while gathering the 6,000 acre mesquite bush. As I came out of the brush, one cow lifted her head up in alarm and I knew the look. She was gonna be trouble.

As me and seven other cowboys pushed the cattle towards the pen, she constantly tried the edges, looking for an escape route. Cowboys would turn their horses towards her and she would slink back into the herd, only to re-emerge on the other side.

Word was passed around that we had a trouble maker in the group. She was all black, which made her as easy to spot as if someone said to watch out for a red tomato in a tomato salad.

Time and time again, she would try the perimeter of the cowboy fence we had erected. As soon as a cowboy would yell at her and point their horse in her direction, she would disappear like a ninja warrior at night.

Stealthily through the herd she wandered. Emerging with lightning speed at the front and then disappearing once again only to be seen on the left flank.

We all breathed a sigh of relief as the gate was closed and all the cows stood quiet, except for one black cow that weaved her way through the herd like a snake in the grass.

Now some outfits have $30,000 workin’ pens, complete with a tub and gates that swing easily that can be opened from the back of a horse. These pens were not.

The pens were built somewhere around the time that Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt. Posts sagged and fence rails were broken and fixed with everything from balin’ wire to an ancient boot sole that was nailed in between two broken pieces of wood.  The gates swung like a cowboy playin’ golf. They would rise four feet off the ground in one direction and dig a trench in the ground three foot deep in the direction you really needed it to swing.

The ground was like walkin’ through a foot of baby powder. That ain’t so bad, but amongst the talc were rocks just big enough to turn your ankle real nice like. You had to pick your poison. Pick up your feet and chance breaking your ankle or shuffle your feet and choke yourself and everybody else to death.

There was a particularly bad section of fence and it was here that we tied the horses. The idea was that the horses would keep the cows away from it. Well, it worked pretty well…except for one black cow.

Nobody saw her standin’ there, but I suspect she weighed the options. She knew she could get out, but what about the horses? Finally, she decided it was worth the risk.

She wasted no time. The last cowboy had tied his horse to the top rail, which was actually a rather large mesquite branch that had been mended in the middle with fourteen wraps of barbed wire, when she made her acrobatic jump.

Now cows ain’t that acrobatic. Watchin’ a cow jump is like seein’ a cowboy in a pair of swim trunks…it ain’t pretty.

She did good with her front legs, but them hind legs is kind of a hindrance to the total elevation. She crashed down on that makeshift top rail and got tangled up like Christmas lights. This sent horses flailin’ backwards and reins started snappin’. This pullin’ action helped create a bigger hole and the cow took full advantage despite the entanglement.

Where there used to be about 100 docile, peace loving cattle, that hole created a mass of idiots that can only be rivaled by a Wal-Mart Black Friday sale. (You can picture that one, can’t you? lol)

A few cowboys tried to run out there in front of the spillin’ mass of bawlin’ and babies, but the damage had been done and every single one of those lovable bovines high-tailed it for the brush.

An older cowboy stood there and just chuckled. Finally he looked at me and said, “We need to get some Christian cattle on this outfit.”

I laughed and said, “Christian cattle?”

“Yeah,” he said, “the Bible says something about, ‘don’t imitate evil.’ If them was Christian cattle, them others would still be in the pen.”

Dear cowboy, do not imitate what is wrong but what is right. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil ain’t never laid eyes on God. –3 John 1:11 (Simplified Cowboy Version)


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  • Al

    That was good!

  • Don Coyote

    Gonna be tuff toppin’ that snot-rocketed mesquite bean.

    But this was almost as good.

  • This was good…and funny 🙂 🙂 There’s something about a jumping cow…too funny 🙂 🙂 Greetings from the ocean shores of California, Heather 🙂

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