Deuteronomy 8 – Simplified Cowboy Version (SCV)

by Kevin on November 27, 2010

God’s gracious dealings

1 Looky here, now and y’all listen up and do what the Boss says. Then y’all will live a lot longer and have ya some fine, big families, and y’all will set up ranches of yer own, in the place the Boss deeded to y’alls granddads.

2 ‘Member now, the Boss led you up this here trail for these forty odd years, treatin’ y’all like the errant children ya are and testin’ ya to prove yer grit, and to find out or not if’n ya’d pay heed to his orders.

3 Yeppirs, the Boss humbled yer sorry hides, no doubt about it, by lettin’ y’all go hungry fer a spell, but then he fed you somethin’ y’all ain’t never had and ain’t likely to have agin, and that’s manna, straight from the Boss’s own cook shack at Headquarters. Yer folks only et corn pone and beans, didn’t know manna, but y’all got it so that the Boss could prove to this here sorry bunch that y’all don’t live on corn bread alone, y’all got to learn we live on every word that comes out of the Boss’s mouth.

4 Fer all these forty odd years yer Carhartts, Resistol’s, Wranglers, chaps and boots  didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t blister up nor swell.

5 Ponder on this fer awhile: Just like a daddy or a mama disciplines a child, the Boss disciplines y’all fer yer own good.

6 So y’all follow the Boss’s orders by ridin’ His trails and fearin’ Him.

7 ‘Cause the Boss is bringin’ y’all into a real good land of clear flowin’ creeks and ponds, springs that roll on out down the valleys from yon hills.

8 This here’s a land of winter wheat, barley, oats and alfalfa; of grapevines, fig trees, and pomegranates for y’all who’re of a mind to set up truck patches; of olive oil and honey for those of y’all who wanna deal with sech.

9 This here’s a land where food is plentiful and nothin’ is lackin’. It’s a land where iron is as common as stone, and there’s copper up there in them hills.

10 And after y’all have filled yer bellies, y’all be sure to thank the Boss for the good land he’s give to y’all.

11 And that, my fine young waddies, is when y’all need to pay particlar attention, ya hear me?! Beware when yer bellies is full, and ya got a full head count out in yer pastures and all yer colts is topped off, that y’all don’t fergit the Boss and disobey his orders that this ol’ brushpopper is a-tellin y’all today.

12 ‘Cause when yer bellies is full and y’all think yer doin’ real well fer yourselves and yer headquarters shacks are tight agin the wind and rain and has room enuff fer all yer young ‘uns,

13 and when y’all got more cattle than Goodnight, Lovin’ and Chisum put together and y’all got coin in hand and in the bank along with everthin’ else, y’all need to be extra careful!

14 Don’t y’all go on and get big-headed and all fulla pride at that time and ferget the Boss, who hauled yer sorry hides outta slavery over yonder in Egypt.

15 Don’t y’all never fergit the Boss led y’all up this trail, through this big, tryin’ and terrifyin’ desert fulla side-winders, rattlers, scorpions and gila monsters, where it was hot ‘nuff to fry eggs on yer saddles and dry ‘nuff to cause a lizzerd to spit dust . He gave y’all water from the Rock!

16 He fed y’all with that there manna in that desert, chuck unknown to your granddads. He did this to humble yer sorry hides and test y’all fer yer own good, to prove to yerselves ya had grit.

17 He’s dun all this, so y’all wouldn’t get all bloated up and big headed and fulla self-righteous pride, and say to yerselves ‘I dun all this on my own, got my own outfit together with my own two hands, got my money from all my own hard work, did it all on my own, sweat, back breakin work and all’

18 Don’t never fergit the Boss. He’s the one what give y’all the power and the strength to do what y’all have dun and are fixin’ to do, and He dun it in order to keep His Word, that He swore with a Holy oath to yer granddads and theirs before them.

19 How-some-ever, I gar-own-tee y’all in no uncertain terms: If y’all ever ferget the Boss and head on down other trails after a buncha two-bit, gunsel, wanna-be trail bosses, suckin’ up to ‘em and shinin’ their boots, y’all will be wiped clean and clear offa the face of this here map.

20 Same as He did with the others that come here before y’all, the Spanish, French, Santa Ana, the Kiowa and the Comanche, y’all will likewise be rubbed out if’n you don’t listen to the Boss and do like He tells y’all.

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  • Don Coyote

    Now THAT is as plain and clear as it needs to be…Now if I can only stick to the Boss’s straight and narrow…

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