Does sneezing with your eyes open count as suffering for Christ?

by Kevin on July 29, 2011

You’ll be on cloud nine standing hand in hand with the Lord and then it’ll happen. You might experience the same feelings Peter had at Pentecost. One minute you’re sharing the Gospel and the next your suffering for it.

I went to see a young bronc rider that had been in a serious car accident the other day in Denver. I gave him one of my books and sat and visited with him and his mother for about an hour. I went to see him at the request of an online friend.

When I left, I was exuberant. I got to talk about faith and just hang out with a cowboy. He told me he couldn’t wait to read my book and I knew that God was going to use it in a mighty way in that young cowboy’s life.

And that’s when the suffering started…

Crew-cab diesel pick-ups are not made for parking lots. Nor are they made for driving while looking at an iPhone GPS app or weaving in and out of traffic like it was Texas brush country.

It took me forty-one minutes to get out of the parking lot that I had somehow got my truck squeezed in. Have you seen those kids that stick their heads through the bannister bars on a set of stairs and then can’t get their heads back out? That’s what I did with my truck. I thought I was going to have to call the fire department to cut me out.

When I finally escaped, I don’t know who was more confused, me or the lady on my GPS app? I had programmed my home address and she expected me to just drive straight out of the lot, not make eleventy-three turns. She re-calculated so many times that she finally just gave up and started makin’ huffy breaths at me.

It took me twenty minutes to go 3.4 miles to the interstate. City people drive like ants. They are either going as fast as the can go or they are stopped.

We were stopped at a light and when it turned green, we all pushed our accelerators all the way to the floor for about six seconds and then we all slammed on the brakes. The people behind me didn’t like my diesel smoke that much when I jammed on the go pedal, but they were too afraid to say anything.  Chihuahuas don’t do very good against Catahoulas.

After only seeing one wreck happen from someone rear ending another car, I made it to the interstate. Finally, wide open spaces!! Unless it’s 5:00 p.m.

On the interstate, I quickly found myself doing 1,000 mph in the slow lane. I couldn’t go left or right…just fast. That’s when Satan decided to make me suffer for my good deeds. He sent a demon into my nasal cavities.

There I was, by myself, all alone on a freeway doing mach 9 in a diesel pick-up and I needed to sneeze.

I could tell this wasn’t going to be just any sneeze, this was going to be a five or six-er in a row-er.

I said a quick prayer for safety as the first sneeze wrapped me in a headlock. I tried in vain to keep my eyes open as my nose exploded like a fire-cracker.

Never do this!

In trying to keep my eyes open, I did nothing except bounce my forehead off the steering wheel–four times in a row.

I just laid on the horn and rode that devil sneeze until it quit. I think I flew from the back seat to the front seat at least twice and God must have sent an angel to drive while I did battle with the snot demon.

When the war was over, I was still in my lane and there was applause coming from the cars around me in the form of honking horns. They were even shaking their fists at me, which I took for them congratulating me on my triumph.

My revelry was interrupted by a female computerized voice screaming for me to take the next exit and I did…with screeching tires and diesel smoke for everyone.

Have you ever had a moment like this?

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  • Kristin Warren

    Sounds like you had a very interesting day. I hate when the sneeze demon attacks especially when driving alone

    • Kevin

      It’s actually one of my worst fears. But thank goodness I have my daughter with me sometimes. If she sees that you’re fixing to sneeze, she tries every way t o stop you. That’s great if you are in traffic, not so good if you really need to sneeze in your recliner.

  • Walter Taylor

    I remember being in traffic every Tuesday headed to the sale barn. We had to drive right through Portland, Oregon to get from our house to the sale. The great part was my car pool friends couldn’t get away so they had to listen to me talk about God. Had a lot fun stuck in a car in traffic with a few friends and God.

    • Kevin

      That’s the preacher in you Walter…preachers love a captive audience. lol

  • I think it was da Lawd who made me save that strange (I’ll admit, intriguing) post title yesterday when I was deleting right and left. So I read it today, an even more compressed day, what with the flu and all. Didn’t wanna, but glad I did. An excellent piece of guffaw humor my crusty cowboy saddlemate. I swear by my saddle and everything else holy never to pass up one of you strange post titles again.

    • Kevin

      That flu is worse than you think…this post wasn’t in your email yesterday since it posted this morning. That is, unless you were given a vision…then how awesome would that be. Prophetic email!!

  • Not prophetic, just old. I think I took a nap between 8 and 9, woke up to the sound of the cannon fire of a sneezing fit. That was either prophetic or a time warp event. Went to the keyboard, saw your piece. Figgered that part of today was yesterday. Got that?

  • Buster

    Now try that with a load of calves… or even worse (cause they can lean on one another) try it with one ol’ cowpony all alone in a 32′ stock trailer… he will give a sideward glance or two when you come to get him out… and you just might have to entice him back in next time…

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