Preg Checking Porcupines Bare Handed

by Kevin on November 28, 2012

I opened the gate to let a few more cows in the pen. We were preg checking and it was my job to keep a constant flow of mama beef to the butt feelers. As soon as the yellow cow came into the holding pen, I knew something just didn’t seem right.

This is the first and only cross eyed cow I’d ever seen. She wasn’t snorty or anything, but she just had this look about her that said watch out. I sure wish I would have listened to that “inner-cowboy-snorty-cow-alert” (also known as I.C.S.C.A.) that went off in my head.

With my cowboy light saber, that looked like a long fiberglass stick to any city slicker, I stood there and waited to move one of the three cows into the next pen that led into the chute. I assumed the highway worker’s pose (like resting your chin on a shovel) and enjoyed the brisk Colorado air. My revelry was short lived because that’s when 1500 pounds of yellow cow hit me in the side.

I hadn’t done anything! I didn’t hit her with a stick, look at her wrong, or even smooch at her. I was just standing there, minding my own business, and she got a notion to put her head in the business end of my wrangler jeans.

You might have mistaken me for Luke Cowalker the way I tried to defend myself with my light saber, but it doesn’t work as well as it did in the movies. After I was up and away from her, she then retreated to the far side of the little pen we were all in (which constituted a whoppin’ five feet away) and stood there and looked at me. Well, I really couldn’t tell where she was lookin’, but her head was facing in my direction.

There is something about wooden cow pens that will grant you 42 splinters in your hands just by walking through the gate. After I jumped on the fence, my hands looked like I had tried to preg check a porcupine bare handed.

As you could have guessed, when it was time to send another cow through the gate and into the chute, my cross-eyed cow stayed in the back. She and I ended up alone in the small pen. You would think that I would have learned, but oh no…I’m tough and fearless…and dumb.

She was not afraid of my little stick and kindly lifted me up by my butt with her head and put me over the fence again. This time, I stayed out and opened the gate from the other side where she couldn’t get me.

The next time your I.C.S.C.A. goes off, you might do well to pay attention.

Someday, I, the Lord, might send some outlaws to invade a part of the country. And what if nobody is on night watch to give a warning. If anyone hears a warning whoop and ignores it they will be snuffed out. But it’ll be their own fault for not payin’ attention.–Ezekiel 33:2-5 Simplified Cowboy Version

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  • Taylor Hill

    Thanks for the laugh….oh and just so u know I can laugh because I have experienced the same thing! 🙂

    • Kevin

      To bad there’s not a video camera around sometimes…lol. Cowboys and cowgirls would win the $100,000 every time.

  • Paul Weatherby

    Lucky you had boards to climb! Your ole dad was in the alley (6 ft wide) as the 1600 lb. angus bull decided enough was enough. Ever tried to climb out of 4″ welded wire panels 7 ft. tall? As the toes of my boots spun out trying to get a toe-hold, the bull kindly lifted me from behind and assisted me plum over the fence. I landed on the other side similar to the same way a chain would look throwing it over the fence.
    As Ezekiel said “Listen”, fellow cowboys seem to wait just a second before the warning!

  • Connie Medicine Bull

    Been in those boots. I was being watched by my Dad, I heard them coming towards me, I took a long
    legged step over the fence, we were @ Doc. Hayes, years ago. Those where the good old days.

  • Montana Jan

    Yep, been there done that…got rolled about 10 feet down the corral fence and felt 2 ribs go. Those cows outweigh me by way over a thousand pounds, and they have four feet to my two; lost all but a handful of arguments with them. I was always the one who ended up in the ER… grin
    And, I’d not change a thing! I’m mostly retired now; our son runs the ranch. But there are still 52 years of really good memories!

  • Tammy Hartman

    Thank you for the story… I sure love being around those desert cows, good times to tell about later it seems…

  • Peggy

    what a funny story! well written and soooo true! thanks for sharing

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