Simply Easter – 5

by Kevin on April 13, 2011

We continue on with the Simplified Cowboy Version of the days leadin’ up to Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection. Then we will journey past there and see what happens in the days and weeks following.

Matthew 27:27-66 (Simplified Cowboy Version)

Jesus is Mocked and Insulted

27 Pilate’s men took Jesus and put about two hundred armed guards around him. 28 They stripped him out of his jeans and shirt and slung a purple horse blanket around him like a robe. 29 Then they wove together a crown of mesquite thorns and shoved it on his head. They gave him a stick to hold like a king’s scepter and they knelt down mockingly in front of him sayin’, “All hail the boss of the Jews!” 30 They jerked his stick from him and beat him with it as they spit Copenhagen all over him. 31 After their sport with him, they took the purple blanket off and dressed him back in his trail gear. Then they tied him up and led him away to be strung up on the cross.

Jesus is Strung up on the Cross

32 As they traveled to the place they would kill him, a fellow named Simon was forced to carry the cross beam Jesus was tryin’ to carry. 33 They came to the place called Golgatha (which means Skull Hill). 34 They offered Jesus a drink of wine mixed with a narcotic, but he spit it out as soon as he tasted it. 35 When they had strung him up on the cross and nailed him to it to be sure he wouldn’t fall off, they rolled dice to see who would get his gear. 36 They all hunkered down to watch him die. 37 Above Jesus’ head, they nailed a crudely painted sign that said, “This here’s Jesus, the boss of the Jews.” 38 Two bank robbers were strung up beside him, one on his off side and the other on his left. 39 A bunch of no-accounts rode by and cussed Jesus sayin’, “You claimed you were gonna destroy the church and rebuild it in three days! If you’re the Boss’ Son, come down off that cross and prove it you coward!”

41 The head honchos of the church acted in the same sorry fashion. They made fun of him and said, 42 “He rescued other cowboys, now let’s see if he can come down off that cross and rescue himself. If he does, then we’ll believe he is who he says he is. 43 He trusts in God. Let the Almighty save him if he really wants him. Jesus said himself, ‘I am the Boss’ Son.’” 44 The bank robbers also talked real bad to him.

Jesus Dies

45 From about noon until three, darkness covered the territory. 46 About three o’clock Jesus yelled out, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” –which translated into cowboy terms means, “My God, my God, why have you shucked out on me?”

47 Some of the fellows standin’ nearby said, “He’s a hollerin’ for Elijah!”

48 One of the bystanders ran and filled his hat with soured wine and lifted it up to Jesus so he could get a drink. 49 The rest of them said, “Leave him be. Let’s see if Elijah will come a ridin’ down to get him!”

50 Then Jesus gave one last mighty yell and he died.

51 At that very moment, the drapery in the church that separated man from God was split down the middle startin’ at the top and comin’ down. The whole earth shook and boulders split wide open like busted watermelons. 52 Graves were opened up and a bunch of cowboys that had rode for the brand got up and walked, raised back to life. 53 They rode out of the graveyards, and after Jesus came back to life, they went into Jerusalem and were seen by a lot of folks.

54 When the deputy and those that were with him guardin’ Jesus saw everythin’ that was happenin’, they were terrified and they cried out, “Uh-oh! He really was the Boss’ Son.”

55 There was a bunch of women watchin’ from afar. They had followed Jesus and cooked for him on many occasions. 56 Among them were Mary Magdalene, James and Joses’ momma Mary, and the mother of Zebedee’s boys.

Jesus is Buried in a Cave

57 When evenin’ was a comin’, a rich fellow named Joseph that had done some studyin’ and travelin’ with Jesus, 58 went to Pilate and asked for his Jesus’ body. Pilate agreed and gave the order. 59 Old Joseph took the body and wrapped it in a clean white sheet and 60 put the body in a cave that had been hollowed out of a rock for Joseph when he died. They rolled a boulder in front of the entrance to keep the two legged and four legged coyotes out. 61 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sittin’ there watchin’ from nearby.

Deputies Guard the Tomb

62 The next day, the head honchos of the church and the Religious Know-it-alls went to Pilate. 63 “Your honor,” they said, “whilst that fellow we killed was still alive, he had said that he would come back to life three days later. 64 We want you to post some deputies at his grave to keep Jesus’ cowboys from stealin’ the body and claimin’ that he come back to life. Jesus deceived many good and honest folks while he was alive, but if they pull this off, it will be worse than the first.”

65 “Take a few deputies,” Pilate said. “Do whatever you think you need to do to make the grave secure.” 66 They went and stretched some rope across the entrance with some mud at each end so’s they could tell if it had been messed with. They told the deputies to stand guard and not let anyone mess with the body or the grave.

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