The Four Second Cat Bath

by Kevin on October 24, 2012

There are a couple of things in life that you can tell people, but they just have to experience it for themselves. It doesn’t matter how negative the outcome, they just have to try it for themselves.

The first thing that comes to mind is an electric fence. At some point in your life (at least for those that grew up around them) you just have to find out how hot that wire is.

The second thing that comes to mind is bathing cats.

I’m not a cat person. Mainly because my dogs aren’t fond of them. But I did have one cat when we were growing up. Being the good pet responsibility guy I was, I decided one day to give this cat a bath.

It’s not a long story. Mainly because I only tried for about four seconds. Those four seconds though, sure taught me a valuable lesson.

We didn’t have a kitty bathtub and I wasn’t sure how well things would go. I looked around outside and found a five gallon bucket. It didn’t take long to fill it up and add a little bit of Joe’s Hand Cleaner to the mix. It was time to bathe the kitty.

Second #1

The cat is no longer purring. This is probably due to the way I am holding it. It is facing away from me and I am holding it at arms length. Imagine handing a baby to someone. (Better visual: Imagine handing someone a velociraptor.)

Second #2

As I attempt to lower the cat into the bucket, it performs an acrobatic maneuver worthy of Ringling Brothers. With both my hands gripping the cat behind its front legs, the cat turned inside out and attached itself to my forearms with six back legs and all the claws that go with them.

Second #3

I can’t let go of the cat! I am screaming and the velociraptor is biting both of my thumbs off to death.

Second #4

Common sense has fled and I am right behind it. Or at least I would have been if I hadn’t tripped over the five gallon bucket. Most people don’t know that belly flops are not solely performed in a swimming pool. The ground knocks the air out of me and I can feel cold water and Joe’s Hand Cleaner washing over me. I guess the velociraptor let go when I hit the ground.

But here is the million dollar question: How many times have you been the cat?

Wash the evil from your heart and be saved. Jeremiah 4:14

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  • Gail Davis

    Didn’t see that question coming. Wow.

    • Kevin

      I guess that was a little sneaky, but sometimes you’ve got to do that.

  • Buster Mitchell

    Kevin,
    The easiest way to bath a cat is in the commode. (it’s at least a two person job)
    1st) pour a capfull of toilet cleanser and a capful of shampoo into toilet bowl
    2nd) have somone back into bathroom with kitty
    3rd) throw kitty in bowl as quickly as possible
    4th) close lid on kitty (this is where second person comes in real handy)
    5th) stand on lid until brush…. er… I mean kitty settles down.
    6th) flush toilet at least six times (standing on lid at all times) * See Note
    7th) have other person make a clear clean path to nearest outside door (make sure no toddlers, old or infirmed adults or pets are in the way)
    8th) raise lid (stand in tub or shower [preferred with glass door] and use broom handle to raise lid)
    Your toilet is now sparkling and the cat will probably be back in a week or two.
    NOTE: Any less than six flushes and the vile beast is liable to tary and voice it’s displeasure.

  • Ed

    I think I’ve been the cat a time or two

  • Melvin

    Thank you again Kevin, I think i have been the one several times.

  • Wow! I will be thinking about that all day. I’m speechless.

  • Caryl Velisek

    We had a similar experience which I wrote about in my book, I Studied To Be An Opera Singer, But I Married A Cowboy. The cat we bathed (?) did all of what you said, but we did it in the bathtub as our vet had told us to. It lasted about as long as your experience, but the cat, a large, black one named Snow, took off up the wall and across the ceiling and down the other side and out the door. Didn’t realize until then that a cat can run up a bare painted eight foot wall and six feet across a ceiling. Never tried to wash a cat again. Never even thought about it.

  • Paul Weatherby

    Try a an irrigation boot for Neutering. The velociraptor’s father and all descendants will appear. The cat will disappear probably forever or attack you at the least expected times just as Satan does during difficult times.
    Son, keep up the good (God’s) Work

  • Caryl Velisek

    I love cats!

  • Old Ralph

    Talk, look listen first, can’t hurt. Another one of God’s little lessons.

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