Wearing Men’s Underwear Like a Halter Top

by Kevin on September 5, 2012

I looked out at the pitiful fence and shook my head. Here I was fixing to put some horses in this pasture and this dadgummed thing wouldn’t have slowed down a four foot tumbleweed in a gentle breeze. Something had do be done. So I did what every cowboy does…I looked for an easy way to fix it.

I went to the barn and looked through everything. I seemed to recall an electric fence charger in there somewhere. I was looking for a box about the size of a cake pan with a plug on it, but what I found was the first electric fence charger that must have ever been made.

This thing was the size of a bale of hay. I could have strung wire from Texas to Uranus and back and not worried about Jupiter getting through. Having a “bigger must be better” attitude that most cow folks are inherited with, I just knew this was what I was looking for.

I was just going to have to find a way to shock my brother with it first. I didn’t want it to be too hot and kill a horse.

For the next four days, I ran about a quarter mile of hot wire along that bad stretch of fence. Four days may seem like a long time to some, but I had found some old used wire in the barn too. For the life of me I don’t know how you can roll wire up on spool real nice, but when you unroll it, it has more kinks in it than a politician’s promise.

When I finally finished my work, I expected to look back and see something worthy of Better Home and Gardens meets Western Horseman. What I saw made a Cowpokes Cartoon come alive. I didn’t think it was possible, but my work actually made the fence look worse.

I didn’t care. I went and plugged the charger in….and caught a t-post on fire.

The electro-magnificution field emanating from that fence was like something from Star Trek. It was like the world’s largest and longest bug zapper. Imagine if you will a quarter mile sparkler coupled with the smell of burned grasshoppers. I had inadvertently constructed a proton accelerator, but instead of atoms, I sent doo-doo bugs smashing into each other at just shy of the speed of light.

Dang I love being a cowboy.

My dad came over a while later. He was probably wondering why his house didn’t have enough electricity to toast bread. He shook his head and told me, “I used that charger when I was a kid. Believe me son, if you are going to be within five feet of that fence for any reason…unplug that thing.”

I laughed and said, “I believe you.”

He said, “You better.”

After he left, I walked over to the fence to close the wire gate that was still open. My father’s words had gone in one ear and out the other. I picked up the cedar post and stuck it through the wire loop on the bottom of the fence. I could hear the pop of the electricity that sounded like .22 bullets being fired. Something deep inside me said to go unplug the charger….something else inside me laughed at such a notion.

The last thing I remember was grabbing the top loop to pull it over the top of the post. I wish I would have seen that this old rusted barbed wire loop used to hold a gate closed was resting pretty as could be…right on that electric fence.

Dang I hate being a cowboy.

Take a sixty foot rope and tie one end to your ear and the other end to a corner post. Lope your horse away from the post as fast as you can.

When I woke up, I was amazed to find both legs in the right side of my wranglers with both boots on, but no socks. I was also wearing my underwear like a woman’s halter top and this made me a bit nervous. To add insult to injury, I realized later that my right eyebrow now went north and south instead of east and west.

I discovered this tidbit of information after I screamed on the toilet. It seems that electricity will exit the body somewhere. I guess I had built that fence to Uranus after all.

The scream was quickly cut off by my heart jumping up in my throat when I looked in the mirror. No, it wasn’t the inverted eyebrow. My left nostril had been blown off. I found it underneath my right armpit.

No wonder I smelled funny.

The only lingering problem I have now is a morbid fear of bug zappers.

My dad said to me after he quit laughing, “I told you the truth and you said you believed me, but you believed for nothing. If you truly believed me, you would have done what I said.”

1 Cowboys and cowgirls, I want to call your attention to the good news that I preached to you, which you also received and said that you believed. 2 You are being saved because you believed that message, unless somehow you believed it for nothing. 1 Corinthians 15:1-2 (SCV)

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  • I laughed till I cried, that is the funniest thing I have read in a while. Having had my experience with hot wires and redefining what the word “hot wire” means, I totally understand that “believe what I say, cause I already told you what I said” statement. Sometime I will tell you what a cell phone case and a t-post have in common…

  • Buster Mitchell

    Between this and yer new fb profile picture (the blue “glasses”), you have raised my spirits so high!!! Thankyou, my friend!!!

  • Jake

    Awesome! That’s the Kevin I know and love! Dang I love being a cowboy….

  • “If you believe me you would have done what I said.” Such truth. People read the gospels every day and don’t even believe that Jesus meant what he said, much less that we should do it. Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you. Turn the other cheek. Don’t judge. And we say no thanks- I’d just as soon play with the electric fence. Great post, Kevin!

  • This is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite awhile. I think you might give Baxter Black a run for his money 😉

  • ADR

    Brought back memories of dealing with those old plug in electric fencers. Had one that left burn marks across my hand, thru a glove when I grabbed the gate handle. Had my arm shaking for a while.

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