Your Foolproof Guide To Unhappiness

by Kevin on April 27, 2010

Do you just wish that you could be in control of what happens to you each and every day?

There is an outrageous phenomenon that is loping across our country and across the world. Every day, cowboys and cowgirls are turning their problems over to some 2000 year old man named Jesus. No longer are these individuals purchasing New York Times best sellin’ books on self improvement and self help. Instead, they are just sittin’ back and relaxin’ and lettin’ this guy take control of their lives.

These people are not runnin’ their mouths at the Feed Store or the cow sale anymore. They seem content in just talkin’ to a guy that most of them admit they have never met face to face. These people do say they have “felt” his presence in their lives and they claim to have  peace and happiness for the first time.

Well, it’s time for those of us who are left to take control and make sure that we completely avoid the blessings, the peace of mind, and eternal security that all of these Christian cowboys and cowgirls have at their disposal.

Here is an impartial and incomplete list of the things that we must do to ensure our struggles, problems, and unhappiness will endure until we meet our maker at the end of the trail:

  1. The Big “I” – Be sure that everything we do is looked at in regards to how it affects “me”. Try to use the word “I” and “me” as many times during the day as you can. The more focused we become on ourselves, the more we can blame someone else when things go wrong.
  2. Have a “fair and unfair” outlook – Judge your successes based on what other cowboys have or don’t have. If your horse is better than his horse, then that is fair since you are obviously more deserving than he is. If someone has something that you don’t have, then loudly proclaim to everyone how unfair it is. Try to convince others that they don’t deserve half of what they have and make things up that they must have done in order to get such an animal.

    Ashlie Dove

  3. Become “too busy” for anything – In order to get ahead and be unhappy in life, you MUST be able to fill every waking moment and half of your sleeping time with things to do. Work at least 16-18 hours a day to ensure that you don’t have to do things like: go to church, read your Bible, take your wife to a movie, or anything else that might get in the way of you getting ahead of someone else. When you are too busy for anything else, you can use it to throw in someone’s face if they ask you to do anything and they will be shown to be the insensitive fools that you always knew they were. This is especially useful for close friends and family.
  4. Live by “Do as I say, not as I do” – Be sure and brag to your children about how you skipped school and and went to parties, but punish them if they do the same things. Go to church to be sure you know how everyone else is supposed to be actin’ so you can point it out during the week when they fail. Get fightin’ mad when you think someone gives you a dirty look and get back at them by givin’ them the finger. Remember, if you do somethin’, it’s ok. If someone else does somethin’ that you don’t like, it’s wrong.
  5. Take everything personal – People are out to get you. You have to listen to everything they say and look for the hidden meaning. Even when someone doesn’t say anything when you tell them about the feed lot cowboy who was caught with the banker’s wife, they are tryin’ to pass judgment on you. Be sure and get offended at anything you think of. If this becomes difficult, make something up.
  6. Be a fault finder – We see people all over the place tryin’ to do the right things. All of these people slip up eventually and you have to be ready to point out their faults. If you are not adept at finding fault in others, then you will not be able to get ahead of them in the game.
  7. Refuse to be held accountable – Be sure to say whatever you think is going to get you ahead in life. Don’t worry about keeping your word when you say you are going to do something, you are too busy to be expected to do everything you said you would.
  8. They better recognize – When you are in a bad mood, people should recognize this and act accordingly. If you are mad, people should jump when you say jump and be quiet when you want silence. If you find yourself in a rare good mood, everyone should be happy and not be so insensitive as to be a rain cloud on your sunny day.
  9. Happiness revolves around buying stuff – If you want something, and you know you do, don’t worry about what it costs, just go get it. You know it will make you happy. Just drive down to the storage building you had to rent to store all your happiness and see how much joy you actually have.
  10. There is plenty of time for God when you get old – We all worry about death, it’s one of the things that promotes our unhappiness. We don’t know what will happen to us when we die, but thank goodness that death is decades away. That leaves us plenty of time to get ahead of everyone else and show them what we’re made of. If something happens and we get real sick or seriously injured, we can always use God as a safety net to keep us out the fire. So go ahead and live life to it’s fullest and save God for when you get old.

To be sure that you stay unhappy and that your struggles will be constant, don’t listen to people when they say to let Jesus be in control of your life. He does know exactly what you need, but where’s the fun in that. You want to explore the possibilities through massive credit card debt and phone calls from creditors. You want to be sure that you depend on what other people think instead of what God thinks. You worked hard for your worries, so don’t just let Jesus have them.

If you know someone who has stopped struggling and has found peace of mind, please send this on so that they may once again worry and fret.

If you think that I was thinking about you when I wrote this, I was. Please take it personally (step #5). I wrote this while looking at a picture of you. You were all I could think about. (Just like Jesus did when He died on the cross for you)

What is your favorite way to stay unhappy and miserable?

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  • Billy Reed


    Thanks a lot for what you are contributing to the movement of God. I will be praying for you and your ministry. May God continue to give you wisdom and strength to do all He has called you to do. Have a great day.


    • Kevin

      Thanks for the kind words and prayers. I need all the wisdom and strength God can send my way. I am just happy to be out there gatherin’ the lost in service of God. Thanks for stoppin’ by and hope to see you sometime durin’ all our gatherin’ seasons!

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